THE WALL (AKA boo hoo Nathan)

I’ve been asked a few times of I’ve hit “the wall” yet, and I was never really sure what it meant. I mean, I’ve had some lows mixed in with my highs, but I’ve never really felt like anything I’ve felt could be described as “the wall”.

Ok. Well, I discovered it this week. It’s not really a great place. So. Bear with me. This post is going to be a little whiny. Maybe a lot. However, as the biggest homo of this competition, I feel it’s my duty to also be the biggest drama queen, so…

I feel like I’ve gone crazy a little. I’m always SO TIRED.  I have NO ENERGY.  I am always SO HUNGRY.  I’m a mess at work.  I’m neglecting my boyfriend.  My right hand hurts from punching.  My hip and butt hurt, and is going numb down my leg.  My knees hurt.  My quads hurt.  I can’t bike comfortably anymore.  I’m finding bruises all over my body.  I have two “badge of honour” black eyes right now.  I’m emotional and can’t seem to control them.  Angry.  Sad.  Maniacal.

Monday morning, as I’ve already posted, I felt drained of energy like… I can’t even really describe it.  Pushing through that whole day was just like a foggy nightmare, seriously.  Ending the night at the evening training, forgetting my gear, fighting Coach Dave in the ring, embarrassing myself (though I’ve been told that Coach Dave makes everyone look like an asshole in there…) Jordan snapped this picture on his phone of me sulking, and it is just the surface of how I was feeling.

Boo Hoo, Nathan.

Tuesday morning we had a special training session which included an interview with the press. I got there, trying to pump myself up for it, and just… fizzled out.  I stood in line with the other contenders, I spoke up, I agreed with everything everyone said (and I’m so glad everyone else took up the speaking roles), but inside I was like, “Yah, and it hurts and I’m always exhausted and it makes me feel crazy.” When the camera people went up stairs to film the training, I slipped out the front door and took off.  I didn’t want to face my coaches, the other contenders who were all working SO HARD that morning, and certainly not the press.

I worked Tuesday night, and my coworker kept saying things like “I can’t wait for this whole boxing thing to be over so I can just have my coworker back.”  I kept screwing up drinks, starting tasks and leaving them half finished, losing focus, just sitting staring at the window.

Wednesday I had to have my mandatory medical check up before being officially eligible to fight.  I passed with flying colours  – ALMOST.  I had a bike accident almost exactly a year ago, in which I fell on my face basically.  The doctor will pass me as long as I pass an MRI scan saying that the accident didn’t cause me any brain damage.  !!?  BRAIN DAMAGE ?!!  Yah, so I just need to keep training until that is done, and hopefully it will be done soon.  And by “keep training” I mean focus on my drills, cardio, and sparring with minimal punches to the head… just in case.

My reactions to this were so many and all over the map.  On the surface, especially after this week, I had this “Ok.  I give up then.  I’m tired and sore and I don’t want to box anymore”… but then I got hit with this deeply rooted, “I AM NOT GIVING UP ON THIS.  I AM IN THIS TO WIN THIS.”  I cried a little.  I spent over an hour just stretching my leg/hip/butt (doc also says I’m developing sciatica).  I called my coach.  I called Chris.  I called the organizer of the event.  I surrounded myself with my closest friends and WHINED so much.  My conclusion – I really am NOT ready to give up on this.  If the scan comes back and says I can’t box, obviously my health is a priority, but until I get that result, I’m going to press on as though I’m good to go.  Besides – I`m not in this alone.  I want to have this Barista Battle.  I want Chris to have the opportunity to do this with me.  I like him and don`t want to deny him the opportunity of having me beat him up.

Yesterday I left for Victoria to enjoy my baby brother’s high school graduation.  I took the ferry over with my bff Michelle who pointed out that a wall provides you with two options – Let it stop you, or find a way over it.  I biked in to town from the ferry, through the forests, farmlands, along the ocean, and all the while tried to focus on the Nathan who’s been writing these enthusiastic positive “yah I love boxing!” posts all these weeks.  Obviously I don’t want to disappoint my friends and family and coworkers and everyone else who have supported me through this, but more than anything, I don’t want to disappoint myself.  The reason I have never played sports or trained for anything like this before is because when it starts getting hard, I give up.  I don’t want to be that person anymore.  I want to be better than that.  I’ve come incredibly far – I was the first to raise the $2000 goal, weeks before the others.  I’ve taken my body beyond what I thought I was capable of doing.  Chris and I are currently ranked third on the voting poll for fight night.  People want to see me do this, and I want to see me do this.

I will not let “the wall” stop me.  I will find a way over it.  Wish me luck with my braaaaaain.